On Death and Dying
There
has been a lot of discussion in my circle lately about death. I guess
that is not surprising. There has been a lot of infirmities and
deaths of relatives and friends that has lead to this
discussion.
It
is common among both Christians and unbelievers to talk about God
during a loved one's passing. We have questions; we would love to
have answers.
The
common question is "Why?"
The
common answer is "God knows."
Well
yes, He does. But when it comes to death and probably even infirmity.
There really is a deeper answer. And well there should be. For this
discussion, because of length, I won't address infirmity here, but
rather only discuss the topic of God and death.
Suffice
it to say, in regard to infirmity, from 2 Corinthians, we do know
Paul asked God three times to remove the thorn in his side. For
whatever reason, Paul tells us God refused. Sometimes God has reason
for illness: to glorify Him; to motivate to action; to create the
very best us. Sometimes it is simply the results of living in a
fallen world and experiencing all the thorns and briers that come
with that fact.
But
back to that which is at the forefront of my recent family/friend
discussions. It is common thought among Christians and really
everyone, to believe that no one dies outside of
God's will. That is, no one will die unless God calls that person
home. I don't like to upset the apple cart, but to be quite honest, I
don't believe that; and though rare, there are other Christians who
agree with me. Let's look at Scripture to determine what is
accurate.
I
think we can consider several examples of someone dying before one
actually should. One of the most obvious examples in dying before
ones' time, would be in the taking of ones' own life. Do we really
believe God is in suicide? And what about violent acts? Do we believe
it was God's will for that woman to die at the hands of her abusive
ex-husband? Do we believe that little 6 year old girl died in the
basement of her home, because God ordained it, appointed it, or
orchestrated it. I hardly think so. We need an answer for that. And
quite simply the answer is, we live in a fallen world in which God
allows a system and set of rules to work that he doesn't always
penetrate, outside of a miracle. The fact is, God did not create
chaos, he created order. He created the universe to work in such a
way that there are things that absolutely will not change.
Gravitational pull, electrical forces, laws of motion, planetary
motion, etc.
The
Bible tells us, "And
he is before all things, and by him all things consist" ~Colossians
1:17
That
is first and foremost all part of God's plan and design. God is not
going to change what He has put in order. Do NOT jump off a bridge or
building to concrete below. You will most likely die - outside of a
flat-out miracle.
Our
own choices can effect when, where, and how we die. If we are not
wise in the choices we make concerning our health, we can shorten our
days. If we insist on putting ourselves in dangerous situations,
God's plan can be altered. Yes, He knows it all. But His knowing does
not make what you decide to do, His will. It is often outside of His
perfect will.
Clearly,
God is sovereign. I don't think that will ever be disputed among
Christians. But the biggest part of God's sovereignty, is His giving
and establishing man's free will. God didn't want puppets. He didn't
want to force us to obey Him, or love Him, agree with Him, or trust
Him. Oh, he wants us to do that for sure. But He wants it of our own
accord. Not because He coerced us. What gain is there in that? What
purpose? Robots and puppets were never God's intent.
The
Bible says God knows the hour of our death; there is no dispute
there. But we are
not to know the means, the day or the hour of our death.
7 And
he said unto them, It is not for you to know the times or the
seasons, which the Father hath put in his own power. ~Acts 1:7
And
the popular Scripture, Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 says:
To
every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the
heaven:
2 A
time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to
pluck up that which is planted;
There
is a time to die and God knows how we will succumb to death, but that
doesn't mean death can't happen outside of His will. Neither
does this Scripture mean that our death cannot be hastened.
And
yes, Scripture even tells us our days are determined
beforehand.
5 Seeing
his days are determined, the number of his months are with thee, thou
hast appointed his bounds that he cannot pass; ~Job
14:5
We
cannot pass the days numbered for us. But this doesn't say they
cannot end early by our own poor choices. The Bible must be read and
considered in its entirety and all verses analyzed in
context.
So
the question isn't does God have a number of days set aside for us.
Yes. He does. Does God know the exact day and hour? Absolutely!
I cannot believe the number of articles that are written on this
question alone. Of course He does. That is not the question
either.
But
the question is, can man disrupt that, or change the hour. Does man
have the capability or power to change his own hour of our
death. Yes, I believe man can. And that is due to the greatest part
of God's sovereignty which gives us our own free will.
When
read in context, these verses do not dispute the fact that one can
die outside of God's will. Let's look at the oft quoted Scripture, it
is appointed for man to die once. This is the verse most often used
to say that we only die in God's will. Yes! It is
appointed for man to die! Once! But really when we read that in
context, that doesn't mean the hour was planned. It only shows God
knew.
27 And
as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the
judgment:
28 So
Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that
look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto
salvation. ~Hebrews 9:27-28
This Scripture
is clearly talking about death that occurs for EVERY human being, and
that for every man befalls judgment! This Scripture is talking about
the great sacrifice of a living, loving God. It really isn't talking
about God setting an exact day, an exact hour, and an exact moment.
Obviously, He knows that moment, in His omnipotent, omniscient Being.
But I do believe this Scripture is taken out of context in regard to
the word appointed. Death is "appointed" by God's design,
but man's has chosen to live in a fallen world over the perfect world
that He designed. Death and suffering came with the fall of Adam and
Eve. And that is not to say that anyone else's choice would not have
been different than Adam and Eve's. We were not created perfect
beings - we were created with choice. And with that choice death came
into the world.
There
was only once and ever, one Perfect Man And that Man was God
incarnate. And that Man came expressly to die for the sins of the
world. We are dead in our trespasses and sins. Jesus came to change
that appointment. That is to what this verse is referring.
Now
some like to point to the death of Jesus when He said before
the Feast of the Tabernacles, "My time has not yet
come." They like to say that this appoints to a specified hour
for ones death. But that was GOD!
"My
time has not yet come, but your time is always here.” ~John
7:6 and John 7:30 - "So they tried to seize Him, but no one laid
a hand on Him, because His hour had not yet come."
I
find it arrogant for us to compare our time here with His. He truly
had a time set for His death. But the truth is, He still could have
changed that time. In his human form, He could have refused to go to
the cross. The importance in His death on the cross is that He
went willingly!
We must
understand that,
in order to find the beauty in it and to totally grasp the reason for
it.
Difficult
concept, yes! To imagine that Someone would chose willingly to die
for me! The Bible is clear; we do not always know or understand God's
ways.
Job 11:7 “Can you find out the deep things of God? Can you find out the limit of the Almighty?”
Job 36:26a “Behold, God is great, and we know him not.
Romans 11:33 “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!
It is certainly obvious, that death is part of God's plan. And there are definitely times a loved one's death is God's will. We accept that and respect that. In fact we honor that. But there is certainly no need to give Him blame when blame is not due. When someone, especially an unbeliever, asks why their loved one had to die in a cruel and unusual way - the "Why" question - we had better be prepared with an answer. We need to be able to explain the fallen world, the failure and cruelty that sin brings, but that there is an answer for that. And that is the salvation we have through the death of God's Son on the cross. There is clarification in that, and therein lies the only Hope we have when we or a loved one experiences the sorrow that death brings.
When we know Jesus, we know then that our days are in His hand. "My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me.” ~Psalm 31:15.We have a safety net when we stay in obedience to His Word. We can live out the fulfillment of our days. Those are the days God had planned for us before we were formed in our mother's womb. Psalm 139
Yes, God is in control. God is sovereign. But we have freedom in that sovereignty.
13 Go
to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city,
and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get
gain:
14 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the
morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth
for a little time, and then vanisheth away.
15 For
that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this,
or that. ~James 4:13-15
Yes.
If the Lord wills, we live or die. But first and foremost, we
live in our own free will. God has a perfect will and one that He
allows. Our life simply has to be that way. We live within
His sovereignty. But first and foremost we have choices. Humans
left to their own devices, don't always make the right one.
That's why God gave us Jesus. That is why we need
Him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To My Son 2/13/2015
Some
time ago, I read an interesting article, or perhaps it was
an excerpt from a book by Dr. James Dobson. He was talking about the
importance of the relationship between a man and his wife. He
explained while it is important to treat your wife like the lady she
is, it is also important for the
wife to know her responsibility as helpmeet.
He
explained a time when he had had a very trying day, but he and his
wife needed to attend an event that evening, that they could not
miss. It was especially important to his wife. It was a formal
event, and she had long looked forward to it.
He
knew he had to go; and along with that he wanted it to be evident to
all attending, that his wife was treated in the manner that she
should be. He wanted to give her the respect she desired in front of
these people that were so important to her. He opened the doors for
her, held her coat, and pulled out her chair. He did everything a
gentleman should do
for a lady.
On
returning home, he explained in his article, how when he pulled into
the driveway, and was about to get out of the car to open the garage
door, before he was able, his wife in her formal attire, jumped out
of the car and pulled open the garage door for
him.
He said he sat there with his mouth open, but he never forgot the
moment. He explained how, he had been there for her throughout
the evening, being everything she needed him to be, but when he was
almost unbearably tired and worn out, and it was a moment
where she could
help him, she
was right there to do so.
I
never forgot that story from Dr. Dobson, my son, and I wanted to
share it with you, as I contemplate all that I want to tell you about
my hopes for your future wife. It has long been my prayer, since you
were a little boy, that you would find the right woman to share your
life.
I’ve
seen many stories about hopes that parents have for their daughters;
and the warnings they might give to future, hopeful suitors. I think
it is a bit more unusual to find something written about our desires
for our sons; so I decided to write my own. Let me convey my prayers
for you and the woman who will share your life…
Of
course first and foremost, I pray she is the one that God has
selected for you; and that you have prayerfully considered before
believing you have the right woman.
I
hope she is all that you need her to be. I hope she is beautiful and
healthy and fit; but even more than that, I hope she is beautiful,
healthy and fit on the inside. Our hope as parents is that her heart
is prepared by the One that should be at the center of your union.
~ Proverbs 31:30
I
pray that "trust" will be understood as one of the most
important aspects of your marriage. ~Proverbs 31:10-31
May she trust your judgment, decisions, and loyalty to her and your
family. May you trust
that she will be loyal to you in every aspect including a personal
loyalty that will not be questioned by those who are watching your
marriage. ~Proverbs 31: 10-11; 1 Peter 3:16
I
pray that she will be sensitive to your needs and that you will
always meet her needs as well.
I
hope she is strong, yet sensitive – just as you are. I pray she
instinctively knows like Dr. Dobson's wife knew, when it is
time to reverse the roles and be there to offer support to you.
I
pray she is wise and able to give valuable input and insight that you
both will be able to prayerfully consider. ~ Proverbs 31:26 But
when all is said and done, I pray she understands that after
discussion, the final decision rests with you as you are the one
accountable to God in every decision as head of the home. ~Ephesians
5:22-24; 1 Corinthians 11:3
Every
woman must understand it is the man that God has placed as the
spiritual head of the home. Every man and woman should know God must
be at the center and His Word is the ultimate authority. ~1
Corinthians 11:3
May
you both know and understand the meaning of your vows, and that you
both are to leave your homes and cleave to one another. Each should
be the most important person in one another's lives. ~ Genesis 2: 24;
Matthew 19:5; Ephesians 5:31
There
must be obedience and respect from both parties; I pray you will
never see those long spoken vows “love, honor and obey” as
old-fashioned or foolish. ~ 1 Corinthians 11:11
May
she fully know and believe that you will be one, who as instructed by
God, will "love your wife as Christ loved the church". I
know you are capable of that kind of love, son. ~Ephesians 5: 25
I
hope she raises your children along side you in the love and
admonition of the Lord. May they be raised to know there is nothing
more important than God at the center of your lives! ~Joshua 24:15;
~Psalm 128:3
I
pray she will love and respect the kids you will be blessed with. And
I hope she will often see everything from a child’s eyes, which
will give her understanding that will better allow her to respond to
their needs.
I
pray she will know that you are as important to your children’s
life as she is and that there is no distinction between the
importance of mother and father.
I
pray that her desire will be to stay home with your children and
never put them into the trust of anyone who doesn’t love them or
who might endanger them.
I
hope she will laugh with your children, and not let them take
themselves too seriously, understanding they are only kids.
I
hope she will easily laugh with you and never at you.
I
hope she will never mock you publicly, or correct you in front of
your family or piers, but rather she will know the exact timing when
to bring an issue to the forefront of a discussion...with only the
two of you.
I
pray she will never join those who antagonize you, attack you or make
fun of you. We both know there have been and always will be people
that do that. May she never take part, but instead be brave enough to
stand against that kind of dialogue – even though she is a lady. A
lady knows how to defend her own, with class. May she always be
confident that you will do the same; and even more than that, that
everyone will know that fact simply by your presence and demeanor!
May there never be an attempt to unfairly discredit your lives. ~1
Peter 3:1a; ~1 Timothy 3:11
I
hope she will never be derogatory behind your back. ~1 Timothy 3:11;
~1 Peter 3:1a
I
hope she does not look at you as her “cash cow” – as the one
that is supposed to give her everything she thinks she desires –
but rather she will be one who understands her role in helping you
provide for your family.
I
pray she knows how to help with the burden of finances. ~Proverbs
31:13-16 I pray she knows how to conserve and I hope she
understands when it time to splurge.
May
she always understand your gift of giving while never abusing that
invaluable gift!
I
pray you will
always be one, who like Dr. Dobson, treats his wife with the love and
respect she deserves; not only for her, but also for your children
who will be ever watching and learning from your example. ~Psalm
128:3
May
your wife always recognize this fact and treat you in the same
respectful manner in order to demonstrate a loving union to your
kids.
One
of the dearest memories and pieces of advice on marriage that I have
ever received is from my maternal grandma, who in my opinion was just
about tops in the way of wife and mother. I will never forget what
she told me one time when she was talking about my grandpa.
“Sometimes he had to come home late after working a long day. I was
frustrated at him missing dinner. But I always had dinner on the
stove and I always left a light on for him. I wanted him to know he
was appreciated and that I was always there for him.”
I
pray that you will have the same welcoming that my grandpa had - that
your home will be your resting place, your peaceful palace. I hope it
is a place to relax, and laugh; and live and love. A place where you
will make plans, fulfill hopes and wishes, and raise a family.
I
pray your wife, your helpmeet, will be your best friend. And I hope
she will always leave a light on for you. ~ Genesis 2:18
I
pray you will
always be the provider and the head of your household that God
designed you to be. ~ 1
Timothy 5:8 I pray you will always take care of your wife, love
her and protect her. But along with that, I also pray that your
wife will inherently know when it is time for her to bring comfort,
support and help to
you…just
as noted in the opening anecdote.
Finally,
I only hope she loves you completely and unconditionally and
will demonstrate that love not only to you, but also to your kids and
all who look upon your marriage. ~1 Peter 3;16
You
see, son, though as a society we worry more about our daughters, and
our women; and though there have been many father letters written to
daughters, or father letters written to future son-in-laws, the
converse is also true. We want our sons to be taken care of, too.
It is something a mama just can't help but desire and worry about
just a little, and so I write.
But
truly, the best way for you to be taken care of is if you follow the
God-given instructions specified so clearly in His Word, written just
for you.
I
know you are that kind of man. I pray for that kind of woman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kissing Courting Good-bye!! 12/18/2014
Courtship
– sometimes I wonder if even after all these years, we have any
better understanding of this concept than we did at the onset! For
the last thirty years or so, the Christian community has witnessed a
resurgence of an old standard called “courtship”. Home-schooling
families especially, have bought into the whole idea of “courting”
as opposed to dating. For clearer understanding, Christian courtship
as defined by Wikipedia is:
“Biblical
courtship, also known as Christian courtship is a
conservative Christian alternative to dating.
It is a response to secular dating culture within
various American Christian communities,
c. 1985 to present. Motivated by concern for the need of Christian
values in contrast to secular dating practices, conservative
Christians identified what they saw as key Biblical principles for
courtship and romance, and began to disseminate them in the
1980s.”
Some
say courtship started with the teaching of Bill Gothard and “Basic
Youth Concepts” – which is now called, “Institute in Basic Life
Principles”. Others believe that Joshua Harris and his book I
Kissed Dating Good-bye is
the reason for the 1980’s surge in popularity. Both teachings
likely had a great deal to do with the courtship trend we have seen
in the last several years.
As
a general rule, there are a few common principles in any courtship
model. The most common rules and understanding of courtship we see
are:
· Seek
the father’s permission to spend time with his daughter
· Meetings
should only be in group setting or a chaperone should always be
present
· Purity
and a chaste relationship (We all want that for our
children!)
· Rejection
of secular dating
· Getting
to know one another as “friends” prior to “falling in
love”
· The
ultimate goal of the relationship is expected to end in
marriage
These
are a few of the standards that are most often agreed upon by those
who chose to participate in a modern courting relationship. But for
the most part, courtship in today’s society is still new enough and
unstructured enough for there to be a great deal of misunderstanding
and confusion by all who are involved in regard to what is really
expected while “courting”.
In
reality, although we have the generic standards lined out above, once
in an actual relationship the first troubling thing a couple may find
is that there really are no clear rules and understanding of what is
expected. That’s a nightmare waiting to happen!
I
have witnessed couples who say they are courting, but in fact, are
doing nothing different than what we see in the world of dating. As
well, I have seen couples who are hogtied to strict rules that one
would be hard-pressed to find backed up in Scripture; and I have seen
others that only seem to want to follow the trend, having no idea
what they believe and why, in regard to courtship. For the most part,
everyone seems to only do what they view as right in their own eyes;
only muddling through without a clear example which in the past would
have been set by parents’ generations prior. The fact is we are
several generations in to the “dating” system alone, courtship
being left far behind until this recent reappearance. This is
why no one really knows what to expect in a “courting”
relationship. Parents are at a loss themselves in what to teach their
children about courtship because they never experienced it
themselves.
I
used to think I believed in courtship. I was convinced it was a
wonderful thing! I mean who wouldn’t want their child to be in a
relationship that is perceived to be free of the natural heartbreak
that every young man and woman usually experience in life through
dating. Certainly the standards set in dating by the secular world
are something to be avoided. Things became so promiscuously reckless
in the world the Christian understandably wanted something better.
And we needed something better!
These
are the reasons I supported courtship; I believed in it; I respected
it; I promoted it in all it’s popular, trending glory. That is,
until my son ended up in a courtship relationship, which gave me
valuable insight into the whole courtship scenario and all that it
entails.
I
am confident I am not alone. Many are starting to “kiss [courting]
good-bye”. Let’s look at some of the practical problems with
courting, and where we might have failed.
For
starters, it puts the young man in the position of feeling like he
has to marry the
one he may only want to ask out for coffee in order that he might get
to know her better. The interested gentleman is subjected to asking a
father’s permission even before he knows if the young woman and he
are compatible. Think about it; with courtship as defined above, and
with all the expectations that are involved, asking to spend time
with a young woman in order to court is
not really much different than the past tradition of asking for her
hand in marriage. Only problem is, it’s way too early and
expectations are out of order!!
If
the young woman’s expectation is “date only to marry” i.e.
courtship, she is going to automatically believe that is also the
goal of the young man. She may have hopes (that almost every young
woman has had from the time she was a little girl) to grow up and
have a beautiful wedding to a wonderful man ending with a long
dreamed about family and a “happily ever after”. That’s a
rather large expectation to dash, if things go awry with a gentleman
that only wants to first get to know someone. To believe that there
will be no hurt feelings if the courtship doesn’t work is clearly
hogwash!
As
well, there are those that have laid down strict rules that no one
else has been made aware. Some may believe that their beliefs are the
correct path to follow for every
individual,
rather than understanding there will be different principles for
others who may have doctrinal differences, but are committed just as
strongly to their beliefs. An experience of that nature can leave
families confused, not always understanding the goals, agenda, or
beliefs of the other family, especially when expectations are not
laid out and discussed beforehand.
Since there is no set standard, it often forces the parents of the female to set the rules as they go. And remember; courting is something new to most parents! No one can think through every situation that might surface as a relationship progresses. Try as they might, concerned parents are going to find issues arise that they just didn’t foresee. It compels them to set new rules as they go. Often, instead of extending trust, they only offer more restrictions.
I
have found when there is no “trust” of the two young people who
are involved rules invariably do need to change as things progress.
That leaves the young people feeling used, vulnerable and like there
is no way they will ever please or meet the parents’ ideals or
standards. As the girl’s parents are usually the one that sets
those standards and makes up the new rules for this runaway train
called courtship, it leaves young men feeling defenseless and
discouraged.
Another
obvious flaw that should have been apparent from the onset of this
current model called courtship is that if there is always a
third party present, it leaves no time for the two involved to get to
know one another on personal levels. They certainly are not going to
discuss theology beliefs, personal life desires, or child-raising
viewpoints in front of a third party. Many months or even years can
pass, before the two realize there are some serious issues on which
they simply do not agree.
If
there are no set rules established for modern courtship, and they are
only made up by the parents as certain situations arise, it puts the
gentleman in the position of continually being at the mercy of
parents with whom he may or may not be in agreement doctrinally and
spiritually. In reality, the young man is forced not to seek to
please the young woman; but rather, he must seek to please the
parents first. That simply isn’t Scriptural.
A
young man at this time in his life should be exerting initiative and
learning how to become the head of household; instead he ends up
succumbing to parental authority of the one he is supposed to be
planning on marrying. Young women, (especially young Christian women)
will tend to agree with their parents on most issues, so it becomes a
battle of wills with all involved. Because of the need to respect and
bow to parental authority, the woman ends up winning battles that
otherwise would and should be
worked out by the couple themselves.
What
the parents of the young woman may not understand is they are
undermining the leadership and the headship of the male figure in a
marriage, even before the knot is tied. They are setting a terrible
pattern of allowing the young woman to have the final say on matters
rather than helping her learn the importance of communication and
discussion in a relationship.
In
the early relationship, when everything is done the young woman’s
way, (rather,
the way of her parents) she does not learn give and take; but instead
she learns that she is the winner in every situation. To start this
precedent early on in the courtship is only training that which the
young woman will come to expect in marriage i.e. “Hubby isn’t
head of household. I am; and I have Mommy and Daddy to back me
up.”
That
standard should be a huge red flag for anyone that understands the
true role of the man as the spiritual head of the home. The couple
hasn’t learned to discuss and come to mutual agreement. They have
only learned what Mom and Dad say goes.
Further
and finally, it’s the man’s character
that is constantly called into question. A chaperone is nothing more
than a constant reminder that it is somehow believed he can’t
be trusted. A constant questioning of ones’ character is simply not
healthy for anyone’s self esteem, or even their mental attitude.
How can a young woman learn she can trust a young man, when he is
obviously not trusted by a parent? Do we really want to put that type
of mistrust of men in our young women’s heads and hearts?
Even
further, in my opinion, a chaperone serves as a constant reminder of
sex. “We can’t be alone together, because we might do something
we shouldn’t.” That isn’t a healthy mindset either! It simply
puts “sex” at the forefront of the relationship. That’s not any
different than what we see in the world today. Sex, sex, sex! But in
this case, it only becomes an appendage of fear that results in an
attitude or lifestyle lived out in “we might do something we
shouldn’t”.
Protecting our young men and women’s
reputation by requiring a chaperone is a false premise. No one is
paying attention to that. If someone is looking for gossip or a way
to attack ones reputation or behavior they will find it, even if they
have to invent it. The opposite can also be said. One could suspect
the couple has done something illicit in which they require a
chaperone – i.e. they have done something to cause them to lose
trust. In my opinion, chaperones after someone has reached adulthood
are only a crutch for a worried parent.
Teach
your daughters strength of character; a holy walk; and to stand for
Biblical truths and you won’t have to worry about our sons whom we
have taught the same. Know your son and daughter well enough to
know how they would respond to every situation, and have faith they
will do the right thing. To do otherwise is to only promote
conflict.
Those
who favor or promote courtship seem to believe that, all components
of the concept are Biblically based. While, examples of purity are
clearly laid out in Scripture, purity has been an expectation for the
Christian for generations, because it is Scriptural.
That is not something brought about by the idea of courtship. The
truth is one will be hard pressed to find Scripture to back up
today’s standards of courtship. It simply isn’t there.
I
have always believed in early marriage. Though certainly not
mandatory, I do believe it is beneficial. The Bible uses many
examples to show two are better than one. When one is down, the other
will lift him up. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; Mark 6:7) That isn’t
only true in the work field or “missions” field; it is a benefit
of marriage! Furthermore, the Bible teaches that it is better to
marry than to burn with lust. (Corinthians 7:9) Our Lord would rather
young people marry than have to resist temptation for years until
society, or anyone else, deems them ready for marriage. As
well, not allowing
two young people to be alone together and trusting them to do so
respectfully, only puts pressure on them to marry possibly sooner
than they should. There is a balance that needs to be reached. My
only caveat is that the young
man should
be the one to determine when he is ready. Not, the woman, not the
woman’s parents, not the man’s parents. Only the man can properly
determine this; and any pressure otherwise is sure to lead to
rebellion and resentment later, if someone else’s judgment was
inaccurate.
It
has been reported we are finally starting to see a high divorce rates
of couples that courted. I have not substantiated that fact, but
I do know
we are seeing
confusion and disillusionment with the courting philosophy.
If
one chooses to court, I would like to offer some suggestions that may
help solidify the concept, by alleviating some of the problems that
arise which I have mentioned in this article.
Before a courting relationship begins, set down all rules and expectations of all parties concerned; i.e. the young woman, the young man, the woman’ parents, and the man’s parents.
Don’t enter into courtship with the idea that “this is the one”, but rather this is a time of getting to know one another more fully. Courtship does not necessarily mean marriage.
Allow your young adults time to be alone so they can get to know one another on a more serious level concerning issues they would not talk about in front of a third party; i.e. children, faith, life desires, etc.
Build trust! The young woman must learn that she can trust the young man. This can only happen if her parents trust him.
Teach your daughters strength of character; a holy walk; and to stand for Biblical truths. You then won’t have to worry about our sons whom we have taught the same.
The young man must know what God has in store for him in the way of his life goals, before he considers getting married. And the woman he chooses, must accept those goals.
As
a mother of an adult son who is yet unmarried, my ultimate desire for
him would be found in the title of Ken Graves’ book: Master,
Mission, Mate.
I want to say to my son and to all young
men with a desire to marry: Serve our Master first. Find out
what it is that He has designed for your life. What is the mission He
has for you in the way of serving Him and in the way of your work or
profession? Understand, at least, the general direction on
the road He has planned for you to travel throughout your life. When
you know all that, then and only then, should a mate be considered.
Your mate should only fit in where she is in agreement with the first
two facets of this slogan. If she isn’t in agreement with what God
has in store for you,
then you have the wrong woman.
The
bottom line is courtship is not going
to give you the knowledge or understanding of what God has for your
life. Courtship isn’t going
to keep you safe from hurt and loss. Courtship won’t keep
your reputation solid. Courtship won’t keep
you pure and holy. Only a heart set on Him, will do all of that and
more…For that you don’t need chaperones. You already have One.
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